Hello, My Dears!

SPEAKER_00 0:18

Hello, my dears. Yes, you. Welcome. Let me introduce myself properly, since we'll be spending a good deal of time together. My name is Dr. Bob. I am a Russian turtle. A Russian tortoise, if you're being precise. And I am always being precise about that. I am, as of this recording, approximately thirty years old, which in human years feels like a very long time to keep carrying the same house around. But it's a good house. I designed it myself. Ah, but you don't know my story. I should tell you. It explains a lot about me. When I was young, my first humans looked at me and decided I looked like an Alonzo. I didn't argue. I was a small turtle, and it seemed unwise to talk back. But the name never fit. It was too zippy. Alonso sounds like someone who does errands on a scooter. I do not run errands. I contemplate them from a warm rock. Then, something changed. My humans began to notice things about me. My remarkable determination, the way I would, over the course of six and a half hours, drag a single leaf of lettuce exactly where I wanted it. My natural curiosity, the endless questions I asked of my food bowl, my zest for living the good life, which is another way of saying I basked. A lot. And of course, my healing abilities. Because I'm extremely good at sitting with you and being calm until you feel better. So they renamed me. Dr. Bob. It is a good name. It is a name with authority. When I introduce myself, people do not expect the turtle to be a doctor. They are surprised. Good. Now, a confession. I am by nature a bit cranky. I like a routine. I like my heat lamp on precisely when I want it. I like my privacy. But I have also discovered, and this is the secret of my whole life, my dears, that the things worth doing usually require you to step off your basking rock. So I am cranky, and I am up for an adventure. These are not opposites, they are a balance. I live in a residence that my humans call a bookcase-turned habitat. I call it home. It is a fine place. Custom round windows through which I keep a careful eye on the world. Custom artwork, which I did not ask for, but which I appreciate because a turtle appreciates thoughtfulness. An adventure rock course. I have fallen off the top of it seventeen times. A privacy nook for important thinking. A basking rock, warmed by an infrared lamp, where I take my daily consultation with the sun. An antique dining plate, yes, I eat my dinner from an antique. The lettuce deserves ceremony. And a walking bridge, which I cross with great dignity, and a slight grumble when the lights are dim. It is a full life. And I have discovered that I have a great deal to say about it. So I built this. I made a podcast, My Peeps. A podcast so that I can speak to you from my bookcase about the big things and the small things, about why we rush, why we rest, why we chase lettuce, and why we should enjoy it when we catch it. So pull up a log. Rest your shell. Every episode we'll sit together and take our time. I'm Dr. Bob. This is Turtle Speed. And as I always say, the Doctor is in. And the Doctor is in no hurry.